


The Third Wheel Gets the Grease

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Quadrant Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-16
Updated: 2012-07-16
Packaged: 2017-11-10 02:39:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/461341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat has sex with the only unattached person left on the Veil. No, not the Mayor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Third Wheel Gets the Grease

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted unprompted on Homesmut.

As Kanaya was setting Karkat’s leg in her quarters in the Veil, she asked,

“Why are you having sex with your moirail?”

Karkat feigned shock for a moment before replying smugly, “You can tell I’m getting laid? I guess I’m setting off that certain glow that comes to the sexually satisfied.”

The rainbow drinker looked at him funny.

Karkat added, “I mean a metaphorical glow since apparently you can’t understand a damn metaphor.”

“I know that, I just doubt the existence of such an indicator.”

“I should know about that indicator, every damn nookfondler on this meteor is sending it out like a beacon to the new universe. Except for that carapace, because that guy probably doesn’t have genitals.”

“My suspicion does not come seeing any alleged glow. I’ve just seen that you are walking peculiarly and have injures that seem to be caused by a kismesis.”

“Why does it have to be Gamzee? Perhaps I’ve finally gotten Terezi back.”

“You have barely spoken a word to her in months.”

“Okay, it isn’t her, it’s Gamzee.”

“Have you gone from pale to waxen for him? I wouldn’t blame you for hating that cruel murderer, but I cannot imagine having concupiscent feelings for him.”

“I’m still pale for him. We are goddamn palemates for life. I’m not slipping diagonally.”

“Why are you having sex with him? Moirallegiance is a sexless affair,” she said bitterly.

“It’s therapeutic. He gets out his psychotic fury by jamming it up me. This is pale sex. Yes, that is a thing, I’ve seen it in movies.”

“I would have never expected you to participate in such an unorthodox relationship.”

“The rules are different in this freaky limbo hellhole. Everyone’s running around having interspecies sex. It’s fucking disgusting! At least I’m sticking with my own damn kind.”

“As a member of an undead species I really don’t have my kind around.”

“And it’s not like I’m the only one having pale sex. Sollux and Aradia are totally doing it. He’s probably like ‘AA, I need to touch your acid globes to remember what you look like.’ ”

“They are matesprits. That is allowed.”

“They are not flushed, they are supposed to be pale, but Sollux is blind to the difference. It was the same with Feferi, he was having feeling jams in front of everyone with her. If he can get away with that confusing shit, so can I, huh, can’t I?”

There was a pause before Kanaya answered.

“I think I understand the real motivation for your own confusing shit.”

Karkat gulped. “What would that be? The one I just already fucking gave you?”

“I don’t think you are doing this for him. You are doing it for yourself.”

“I’m not sexually attracted to him. Who would be? His clown face is embarrassingly ridiculous and, guess what, he’s also ugly without it.”

Kanaya gagged. “I do not doubt his lack of appeal to you. But I believe it’s not your lust bladder driving you, it’s your pride.”

“Why should I be proud of having sex with him?”

“You seemed fairly proud that you’re a member of that club to which you mistakenly you believe we all belong.”

Karkat paused and sighed. He looked down at the floor.

He began, “Two weeks ago, I was just watching Terezi and her stupid boyfriend make goggly shades at each other they always do and I just snapped.  I grabbed my moirail away from his skull collection, pulled him into a pile, and lay on that hoofbeast shit about catharsis and excess energy. He nodded his head and pounced on me. I never thought it would actually happen. It was a moment of weakness.”

“That’s an awful long moment of weakness.”

Karkat looked up at Kanaya and gave a sheepish look. He blushed very faintly.

“It’s been too good to stop.”

Kanaya cringed. “Awwwwgh.”

“Yeah, I know, you wouldn’t expect him to be any damn good. I thought I would have to lead him through, actually tell him what goes in what, keep his attention on me, but that addled-brain moron just went right to it and gave me the most intense orgasm I have ever had in my globe-handling life.”

Kanaya couldn’t help being intrigued despite herself. “Really.”

“It’s the chucklevoodoos. That’s his secret weapon. It’s elementary: fear causes trolls experience concupiscent feelings. You get worried about the drones and the worry goes into the pail. Sometimes soldier in battle even have their bulges come out. They’ve done numerous studies on it.”

“I’ve never felt that phenomenon.”

“I have and it’s so goddamn embarrassing pissing yourself in fear during sex. Makes it all the more disgusting. And even if I wanted to I can’t tell him to stop. He just cannot control his psychic powers once all the highblood goes to his crotch. I’m his moirail and I can’t control him during sex.”

“This therapy is bad for your health.”

“Don’t you think I fucking know it? He’s gone up to leg breaking. Even I haven’t become that masochistic Yet even though my bulge ran away he just kept going at it.”

Karkat shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“As goddamn terrible as that shit was when it happened, now I feel actually fond about it. I’m getting worked up again!” He held out his hands. “You know how his hands and feet are big?”

“Uggghhh stop talking about the sex. You should learn to resist the temptation he poses.”

“At this point it doesn’t matter if I resist. Gamzee has a new addiction. He’s found something more fulfilling than necrophilia. One night he’s going to be the one to initiate.”

“I think you have more control over him than you think. Your paps and shooshes are very effective, I know. You can be an excellent moirail.”

“But maybe I don’t want him in that quadrant! Maybe I want him in all quadrants! I’m pale for him, yes, I pity him, but I have sexual feelings, like I’m flushed, but we have sex like kismesis, but we shouldn’t be, we should be auspictized.”

“Please don’t ask me to be your ashen two-wheel vehicle.”

“No, I know that wouldn’t work. You’re the one who needs an auspictise.”

“I hate him too much to even be in the same block as him,” she said, “Karkat, I think you need to deal with your issues with him. I’m not your moirail. You can’t have two moirails.”

“Might as well have overfilled quadrants. Fits in with the pale sex and the interspecies sex.”

Kanaya sighed. “I didn’t want to tell you, but since you keep prying into my love life: I am not matesprits with Rose. She is enjoying human relationships with Dave.”

“But isn’t that a human taboo?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

He hung his head and whispered, “This is the most degenerate road trip ever.”   


End file.
